WHY?! WhY?! Why must I feel overwhelmed by all this artistic talent that's around? I've been browsing pages like Zbrush community, CGhub, Polycount, Game Artisans, hell even Deviantart, and I want to just throw my computer out the window. So about last night or morning-I can't quite recall. I've been pulling all nighters so days are kind of meshing for me-I began to just sketch SOMETHING because I wanted to paint. Didn't care what it was really, as long as I got to paint.

So I slapped my Eros character together and decided, I want to see if I can mimic Hyung Tae Kim's style-because he is my contemporary coloring hero, and now I've losing motivation. After all, I wanted to see some peoples techinques on painting wings right, so i run into ImagineFX (love that magazine) and I'm like damn I want to paint something realistic. And then I run into something on Zbrush and think, damn now I want to zbrush something. And then I run into wireframes in Max, and I'm like damn, I want to model something. AND then I see rendered stuff and I'm like damn I want to put some stuff in the Unreal engine!

It's so much that I'm losing concentration on one task because I want to be able to prove myself as a competent artist which i have not been lately. And it's all because of my roots of creativity that have been severely damaged these past years. So I'm like okay, I got the Artists Way, Thinking like Leonardo Da Vinci, and morning pages...

AND I'M NOT UTILIZING any of it! Instead I've been watching those 2hour specials on This Emotional Life which is awesome.

Don't you just hate how your creativity is intertwined with your life? AT least, it is for me at this point and I absolutely despise it. I mean most of the time I'm elated but lately...naaaaah. I can't concentrate. And so what do I do? I sketch something anime and it makes me want to burn my sketchbook.

I love drawing it-it's easy for me. I like making expressions and clothes. But I don't JUST want to do that or JUST be known for that. So I'm livid. But at the same time when I draw it I'm very happy. I'm torn inside! TORN! SHATTERED! I have no idea how I'm going to concentrate on this stuff, and I have no idea if I'll ever finish something, and I totally want to join all those online websites but I have NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING! Not like this awesome artist, Hyung Tae Kim. T_T

*sob!!!!* I HATE THIS LIFE!!!

....not really. But I'm pretty pissed right now.However this song is pretty uplifting. GO NARUTO!

So here's a comic page. I dunno if I'm going to stick with it-it took me awhile to draw so either I'm rusty or need to practice more.

I'm excited though and just wanted to post this asap!

I'm going to create the character bios so I can post them too so you know who these guys are. *hint one is an awesome greek god!*

Did you guys read about that one website that only allow beautiful people to join and in order to join ppl need to say okay to ur uploaded pics within 24hours? And did you hear that they kicked off like 5000 people because they let themselves go during the holidays?

And how the founder of the site was saying that they can't let 'fatties roam the site'. I admire that at least in the interview he says they're elitest and lookist-at least they're honest but I can't agree with the whole idea of that website.

I know that myself would never make it in that site due to their standards but it's just so angryfiying how people allow themselves to be judged by others as far as if they're 'lovable' or beautiful. And believe me I know what it's like to be considered ugly and not lovable--oh believe me on that.

But you know what? I grew up. Beauty is in everything! And it comes in all shapes and sizes and forms. In fact, I think to figure out who you are and then not back down from it and just be the shining light that we all are; now that's beauty.

But I remember how hard it was to keep reminding myself that when I saw everyone else so happy.

I think this music video sums it up about what I believe; man I just chills watching it again (with English subs! yeah!).

BTW, I think Miku is absolutely adorable! I love his hair! I love this band!

I was walking and hit me what to do-now I just need to draw it yeah? Haha.
But I must confess to this...

Okay so get this.

I had to go to Walmart to get a plunger right cuz SOMEBODY (not me!) in this apartment had to clog the toilet and break the plunger before. I tried that whole soap and warm water trick-yeah didn't quite work. And I thought bubbles were gonna be everywhere!

Anyways, on my way walking to Walmart-because I hate driving in Walmart parking lots (FREAKING RIDICULOUS!) I pass by a F.Y.E store. Well I go in just wondering what's new and I make a beeline towards the anime section right.

Okay.

Congrats to me for NOT buying that Naruto Keychain or the shinobi leaf belt buckle. Omg, I almost got it and I wanted to cry. I'm like IM SUCH A NERD! I mean, I have a legend of zelda triforce belt buckle but that's because my cousin gave it to me and of course how could I decline such an offer?

ANYWAYS...

I was rushing out of there when BOOM! My eye hit the item glowing on the shelf. It was sparkling! It was beckoning me and I justified the purchase. After all in my head were the words of Chris Batey that we should have something that totally transports us and lets us know we're in a different world. Some people have like 1800s gloves, some have viking hats, me. I have this.

This that says, I ain't taking no for an answer. You don't want ta be gamblin' witcha health by messin' with me. THIS! THIS is the symbol of awesomeness-of dedication! Only superiors are allowed to be part of this-if you ain't someone you ain't nothing!!!

And what did I get?

An Akatsuki snuggie.

I'M SO ASHAMED but at the same time I'm not.

It's the oddest feeling.

I know these things look so stupid and it's like worse if you thrown on Naruto Shippuden merchandise on it but I can't resist being elated!

Plus, I can't handle the cold. I'm a desert child-I can stand the heat no problem. 100degrees? Tch, that's nice. But if its 71degrees I'm freezing-I'm gone. And my boyfriend likes to be cheap and not have the heat on. So I'm in a snugge, with a Kingdom Hearts Raschel (yes I bought that awhile ago), with a superhero Hello kitty raschel on top of that.

Now I can't feel the cold so much I can enjoy my coke (and COKE only! Pepsi's not the same!)

On the plus side I decided to post a youtube video more frequently about songs that are awesome-just for mine and your enjoyment. I've got a WIDE range of music I love so maybe you'll find something you like too.

Enjoy-I'm gonna continue sitting here wrapped in my new snuggie.

I'm going to post more later tonight because I have a lot to say but I just want to put up this video. It's one of my favorite songs from AWESOME Jay Chou (I'm a HUGE HUGE HUGE FAN)! I'm trying to learn the lyrics but uh chinese isn't easy for me at all.

It's a weird music video but I'm not going to lie; the sparkles on the instruments made me sooo happy! Such a cheasy but my favorite effect!

Here are the English translations (its such a sweet song!!!)

"Maltose"

This creeping smile embraces the hills
The streams sing songs with the wind
I am like a countryside poet explaining the life in front of my eyes
The wheat fields stoop and lower their heads fishing for tenderness, the whole valley is a flute player
I am speechless listening to the legends following the fairy tales

The windmill in the distance
Tells me from a far distance
That happiness in deep autumn
Is fully reaped
The corner of the old warehouse
We are counting
A hemp bag of love and happiness
The colour of first love

I hold your hand passing by
The hillside growing maltose
The fragrant and thick temptation
Your cheeks are slightly hot
Aspirating into my ears
Picking thoroughly ripened maltose
When I wake up I’m still smiling
Happy
Hands have become sticky
My whole mouth
Is full of candy

I hold your hand passing by
The hillside growing maltose
Sweetness all around
I lower my head in shyness
Our happy dream walk
I am on the meadow drinking
Wine brewed from maltose
The tender
Childhood
I really wanted to
Take another bite

I love you

My whole mouth
Is full of candy
I really wanted to
Take another bite

Okay, I'm so tired right now-I havn't slept at all yet and drank a cup of coffee and as we all know, coffee makes me dead tired. But I gotta get this off my chest.

It must be said. I can't stand to keep quiet anymore.

Oh no, I cannot.

MASASHI KISHIMOTO YOU BETTER NOT MAKE HINATA NARUTO'S GAL! 

ARGH! I've been googling pictures for Naruto in general and for him in sage mode and BOOM! I keep running across pages and pages of Naruto and Hinata together and this dumb name combo thing that Hollywood is so fond of- "Naruhina". NO! NO! NO!

I don't care if she FINALLY admitted to him that she loved him (cuz all that fainting wasn't a SIGN or anything) but ARGH! ARGH!

I would love it if at the end Sakura finally said okay to Naruto that'd be awesome. Fiery personality + fiery personality = burn, baby, burn! It'd also be awesome if she really wound up with Sasuke-I got no problem with that. Naruto could turn gay, could make that kiss with Sasuke more, or even like Ino for some reason but NOT HINATA!

Simply put. I don't like her. Yeah her power is cool, yeah she really is training to fight.

But I don't like meek girls. I don't like girls who faint every time. I don't like meek voices (man this rant sounds famiilar....). I don't like just the whole meek thing that's totally emphasized! I mean I HATE it; but then again I was never one to remain meek myself.

Yes sometimes I'm shy and quiet but THAT doesn't mean inside I'm totally like a wimp! I dunno! It's just the way she's portrayed that makes me soooo mad. Maybe it's because I'm like is this what guys want huh?! Some little fragile thing they have to protect? To take that shy girl and pull her out of her esteem issues?!

Oh no but that's cool cuz she's got more T n A than Sakura.

If that's the case then I could never keep my man and then couldn't EVER get one!

NAH SON! THAT AIN'T HAPPENING!

AAAAAAAAAAARGH! If Kishimoto pulls through and Hinata's his girl I'm gonna smash my fist through a wall. Or a KICK! HIYAH!

So I gotta a lot to post. I may put two posts up today so I don't have this SUPER LONG one. But. okay

DAWN OF MANA ART ROCKS!

I was browsing yesterday about....something. I dunno I was Google-ing a lot like on quantum physics theory (Schrodinger's cat is by far the most interesting to me), greek mythology vs Christianity, picture books for older people, how to write for comics, Eros, ooh sport body armor ..but Okay I went to Creative Uncut and just randomly chose Dawn of Mana and BOOM!

I love those renders and concepts. I was like say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? That character Keldy is beautiful! I love the colors, I defintealy like the style, and I LOVE how you can tell he's all about nature. The wooden shoes, the vines on his arms-the bow I saw in one of the renders, intricate wood but still very primal looking. I love his little feather dealie on his head. And the half shirt-oh yes makes me giggle because I think of Sai.

So now I need to find more pictures and hopefully play the game. A ps2 game shouldn't cost too much so...I'm just worried about gameplay. There's plenty of games out there with beautiful art to me but I can't play because I hate the mechanics of it. Fail on the fun factor. Haha.

I love stylize games many times just because it's quite easy to get something looking real-I mean it's not EASY but if you can use like Mental ray in maya and stick a bump,spec, diffuse map on it-if you use photo references or if you're a painting guru you handpaint it or do a combo then it's like cool. But to me, it's like well it's so real it's kinda boring. So if you can make it look good as a particular style, I mean there's nothing really limiting you. So like Okami is amazing and Windwaker-oh IT'S SO CUTE! Spirit Tracks-must play!

I also found out that Nao Ikeda, the designer for Dawn of Mana characters is sub character designer for FFXIII characters. Personally I really like the way Maqui and Snow look like that she designed. Very awesome!

And while I was dabbling in Creative Uncut-I ran into Tales of Abyss characters-and OMG the red headed dude-half shirt and utterly adorable as a chibi. That artist apparently happens to be Fujishima, who was also the artist on Oh my Goddess, whom my friend said that his very awesome art was inspired by Alfonso Mucha, father of art noveau (and who happens to have very beautiful bowl/utensil designs). Crazy how stuff links up huh?! Haha.

On a practically unrelated note, I'm working on making this blog more artisy. So I'm working on my 'mascot' character I suppose. I don't have very good ones like akirceo does with his Miao Wafupafu one (LOVE his blog). But i realized that I really like characters with face paint or face tattoos. Like a lot. I'm like somethings missing and BOOM! face paint makes me happy on them. Hahaha.

So yes. I love Naruto in Sage mode! AAAAAAAAAGH he's so adorable! But on this drawing I found his pupils are oriented the wrong way. Still! He's cute! Way cute! Go artist!

More to post, but where to start? Aiyah....

Um, yeah got resolutions. Haven't quite hammered them out yet. Lol.

But I do know that I want to:

1. Make a webcomic for my blog rather than straight up writing. Maybe picture wise...? Sai is so AWESOME!

2. Write a novel in 31days

3. Get a Dahon Espresso foldable bike. OH yeeeesss that would be sweet. Maybe cash in my 401k or something....

4.Freaking complete the Artist way book and start on "How to think like Leonardo Da Vinci" by Michael J Gelb.

5. That's all I got so far. Hahaha.

Oh speaking of Sai, Sai is soooooo cool from Naruto Shippuden. I personally think its absolutely adorable he's trying to relearn emotions. ARGH made me so mad though because a couple years ago I thought about a character who had no emotions (due to a trauma) but he takes pills to supplement it and I thought oh that's so stupid it's never going to work. Its not believable. And here is Kishimoto who accomplished that.

Then it hit me. As a writer you gotta make the audience believe in that world it's possible. Lately I've been getting so hung up on the practicality of it like when I'm figuring out weapon designs, that I totally lose the idea. Weapon design, and mechanics etc aren't my forte and trust-it's hard to learn that stuff to wear I'm suffiencent in that field.

Anyways, Sai's jutsu is badass too! C'mon, drawing and BOOM it's coming to life?! That's awesome! I wish I had that. Other than that my only complaint about him is his clothes. I mean, wow, SCANDALOUS! I've never seen a shonen character get away with low riders before or a half shirt other than Benimaru from KOF. Haha but then again that's pretty funny.

Oh and Sakura's temper makes me laugh more and more. Favorite episode was when Sai is trying to think of nicknames for Sakura and Naruto-when comes up with "Ugly" he gets pounded. And when he recollects his mistake it's funny seeing it from 'his eyes' and how quick Sakura punched Naruto and then him! I'll try to find that part and post it! 

Just now, I finished watching like episode 6 of Flashforward. LOVE that show and it's so intense now! But it brought up an interesting idea that I want to research a bit further. What was this about Simon hitting on that chick and he was talking about understanding the basics of Quantum theory or what not?

That until the hand is open the cat is both simultaneously alive and dead and that the observer makes the final decision?

So I'm curious about these theories and how they're put into practice. I haven't started my research yet but I'm excited. After all, to me it sounds a lot like Tao-where things happen at the same time etc etc. All that spiritual stuff you know? But as much as I beleive that I also like science. The idea of philosophical ideas and science mixing together-working with each other like yin-yang, very cool.

I always wanted to be a scientist when I was little. But I honestly don't have that detailing mind-and I always did poor in math courses and hands on Lab courses (weird right? Everyone always looked at me funny-I'm like YO! Don't cheat off of me just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean I got all the right answers! lol).

Of course doing this research; always good for story ideas.

Speaking of!

Ever read "Guts" by Chuck Palunick (who happens to be the writer of Fight Club?). It's a pretty intense story. I was eating a burger and reading it; almost threw up. No joke. At the same time I was trying to hold back the vomit I was soooo happy and impressed! I love writers who can just SHOCK you with their words and especially with his. At the same time its like OMG it's so rhythmic. It really reminds me of Yu Hua-one of my top favorites-Past and the Punishments (read A World Like Mist) and tell me that he can't write!

They're a few of my literary heroes! So I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna do the same thing. Just forget that ANYONE can read my stories and just write what I want to write. In my stories I tend to hold back thinking, would people publish something this intense? But I want to write intense-I would totally want to read something like this if it's on shelves. In fact, I purposefully look for books like this. So. No holding back now.

You know the best thing too?! Chuck said so himself that "Guts" isn't even his most intense story that's coming out with his other collection. I'm like ALL RIGHT!!! I read it on his interview...I forgot to check the date so I don't know if the book is out yet or not. Haha.

I had no idea what to post today and then I totally got sidetracked IMing and watching Howl's Moving Castle...(which I absolutely adore! Although my favorite Miyazaki film is still Castle in the Sky)

So Okay how about this?

I decided to write a novel in 31days.

Yep, you read right.

My goal is 50,000 words by the end of beginningish of February. I'm not starting till January though, because it turns out I need a week for preparation time but I'm very very excited.

I picked up a book called "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Batey, you know the founder of Nanowrimo and as I flipped through it I thought huh, this is entirely plausablie. Only dedicating about what? 1-2hours of work a night or every other night etc? Of course! OF COURSE!

Not only that but its a pretty nice New Years Resolution yeah?

I'm trying to cultivate discipline and focus in my life--two things I tend to lack.

With that I'm also completing, The Artists Way by Julia Cameron (and this time I mean it!).  I also found copies of her other works like "Vein of Gold" and "Walking in the World" so I'm like neato!

I think everyone creative should check these out if they're in the slumps as I have been feeling for the past year. I knew it was bad when the mere mention of someone else doing artwork sparked an intense jealously. And since I tend to want to fix stuff on my own-as to not let others see my failings-I really like these books. I just need a cheerleading squad to keep me on track!

Niiiiick I'm counting on you! Well I forgot to mention it in our previous conversations but if you're a true homie then you'll end up reading this in the morning at work or something so ^^.

OKAY! So, remember how I posted I was obssessed with Naruto. Now it's offically bad.

Get this, yesterday night I was very, very very angry-I won't go into details after all there's some stuff that shouldn't be posted no matter how awesome blogging is-so I went to the library and then Borders, that awesome bookstore. I figured that maybe they'd have something fun there like a Naruto sticker or something from Tokidoki (because I LOVE Tokidoki! Adios all teh way man!).

Well I dance towards the manga section (that song Dopamine from Mflo Loves Emiyl is so RAW) curious to see how many Naruto volumes are out and see if I can catch up from where I left off and I see TONS of anime stuff for like Deathnote, Soul Eater, Bleach etc right.

After notcing that they were on volume 46 for Naruto I quickly did the math and was like yeeeeeeah I'll stick to the free anime, this will cost WAY too much I wandered over to see if that had Saiyuki. NONE. I think i'll need to order new volumes online, that sucks! Anyways I look up right and what do I spy with my little eye?

A shiny, one of those trippy movable, Naruto Shippuden notebook. Right on the stand and I just see it and almost squealed in delight. BUT I DIDN"T. Cuz I was an alone Asian girl, listening to an Ipod, looking real badass and after all with that kind of cool I'm so hip I gotta a rep to protect so I just greedily snatched that book even though I was thinking I might not get this, 4.99 for 80pages is kind of a ripoff. And then I spot a Naruto pencil sharpener 2.99 and took that but was thinking you know I bought a quality 4buck pencil sharper for my HB pencils already this seems like overkill....

AND THEN! I spot the best thing ever! Lights shown down on this item. Earlier that day I decided that I wanted to put up a Naruto poster  near my desk just to remind me of all my aspirations. I figured one of my earlier Shonen Jump had a poster of it-I can't imagine it was just DBZ but I was gonna search for it later cuz it's 4years worth of Manga.

Naruto Wall graphic. 'nuff said!

Its huge!!!! HUGE! and resuable?! AND its Naruto doing his Rasengan?! AND its ONLY 20.00?! I'm IN! So I take that and debating whether or not to get the Sasuke one too but I figured I'm not a big fan on him really so naw I'm good.

So I put the pencil sharperner back cuz it was unnecassry and I look for Naruto pens because I KNOW they must have them. They had Deathnote pens and such. I couldn't find them, only crappy pencils and im like Naw. Well! I was looking at Negima pen set wondering what that anime is, when I have a feeling I should just pick up the one behind it. I figured it was just gonna be another Negima one but I was like whaaatever and guess what I find?

The only set of Naruto pens there! I was like WTH?! AWESOME! But then my heart broke. Gel pens. I DESPISE gel pens. I hate the way they write, its so aggravating! Especially the glittery ones-don't get me wrong I used to love them back in middle school but now, nah. And then I look at the price. 6.99 for like 6 gel pens! I was like NO THANK YOU.

I found a Naruto DS Lite skin too and almost bought it. BUT i didn't because I don't play my DS often. After all I only have ONE game for it because I can't find Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks, or Phoenix Wright Ace attorney for a decent price.

ANYWAYS.

I'm excited. I have no idea where I'm gonna put this wall graphic up. My wall next to my desk is covered with the limited edition Tekken 6 2010 calenders, a Legend of Zelda poster, a Devil May Cry4 poster, and my whiteboard of tasks to do.

OH! And another awesome thing! In the library right, I found a copy of The Boondock comics I haven't read yet! I mean I already read like Public enemy #1 and the Right to be Hostile but not this one, it's "Because I know you don't read the newspaper". I finished reading it last night and I was laughing so hard it hurt. I've got this persisting dry cough that now gives me headaches and laughing too hard gives me headaches too.

But Riley is PRICELESS. And Huey! and Grandad! OMG too many of the strips to name that made me laugh sooooo hard and it makes me want to watch my copies of The Boondocks although I misplaced season 1. That sucks! I'm such a fan! My cousin keeps insisting season 3 is coming out soon but I'm like NOT SOON ENOUGH.

But it' cool. I have the Venture brothers to tide me over-although I keep missing all the new episodes for season 4. That and Metalacolypse (I don't think that's how you spell it).

Okay so this is getting ridiculous. It truly truly is.

Okay so I started a Google search on reinventing yourself right because I need a change so I can be super creative again with no problems on that.

Well. I've got to say sometimes I hate searching the Web. Maybe it's just me, but every time put something in Google I get pages of websites SELLING books about reinventing yourself, which I'm like No, I need articles.

But the worst part is that they're always like, "Buy this now and it's guaranteed to help! What are you waiting for?" And it has that NASTY yellow background with terrible red highlighted words.

And for some reason I scroll down in vain hope that perhaps there's a link to a good article but there never is.

It never USED to really bother me until I was trying to figure out why my Xbox 360 got the red ring of death-made me so mad! I wanted to try playing Batman Arkham Asylum, finish up Bioshock, and get farther with Lost Odyssey during my break but can't do that now!-and I found this cool article where it said you can fix it yourself.

Now I'm not a techie junkie but if saves me cash and there's instructions it may take me like 6hours to get something fixed, I'll get it fixed! I was all hopeful and then BOOM! I saw the nasty yellow paper background and the nauseating red highlighted words and was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

OH! And another thing! Why's everything about reinventing yourself always spiraling around 'job loss'. Like everywhere I go it's like 'reinventing yourself after jobless' 'how to reinvent yourself to make more cash' blah blah blah and it's making me so angry! But it's like anger and shame at the same time. The biggest part of it is that I hate that everything I find is about "jobs" ie how to get ahead, how to deal with coworkers, what not to wear to an office party etc. And it all just reminds me of corporate world and I was in that world and I wanted to cry everyday from it. Because that's why I'm going to art school-so I don't have to be in corperate world and yet my part time job took me there because it was easy and stable and made good money...
in exchange for my soul!

But people were like, you've got a good thing going, you've got a job be grateful etc etc. But to me, despite all of that I quit. I just up'd and left. I know that I'm very lucky to be able to. I've got a super supportive boyfriend who understands that I'm not so strong that I can struggle to work a job that I absolutely despised, go to college for art school where everything I hope to be is constantly put to the test (and where I seem to be failing that test) and still be happy at the end of the day.

I wish I could be that strong. I'm envious of those who are that strong.

You know that saying, "leap and a net will appear?" I was never much on faith-never have been. But I've been trying; I devour books from Osho, Lao Tzu, Deng Ming Dao, Thich Nhat Hanh, The Dalai Lama, etc in search of affirmation that I'm doing something right. That I'm not some kind of completely selfish and spoiled person who just rides on the coat tails of others. Well for me I feel like this is all a test and I HATE tests.

But it's like someone is saying, "How much are you willing to give up to get what you need?"
Pshaw, and I always thought answering that would be easy.

But I know I got a gift right now and I can't waste it. I need to work harder than ever because I have no excuse now. No excuse. And I never wanted excuses in the first place.

That's why when I'm looking on how to improves myself the last thing i want to see is ads to buy THE BOOK!